January 17th....

The smell of new year was still around the corner, "2020" making me wonder what the year would bring. I had taken a day off work to rest.....oh! I had to meet the deadline of applying for a grant. It has really been hectic for me, from presenting my doctoral pre-field, to coping with work and now meeting a deadline for a scholarship. All these while expecting a baby.

As I read, I felt my tommy make different sounds and my baby constant restless moves. 'Is everything ok?' I asked myself. Remembering that I had visited the clinic for my antenatal a day earlier, gave me peace as I relax to continue my study. After spending hours struggling to come up with an abstract, I had to force myself to sleep and couldn't wait for hubby to came back from work.

I woke up early to notice that hubby had left for work. Walking to the rest room, I decided to give my mum a call, that was when I saw it!!! Oh my!!!! What is this I screamed!!! Is my baby ok!!!! Oh Gosh!!!! I didn't understand as I ran to my neighbor who suggested I go to the hospital. Yes! I am sure u want to ask what is it? It is unexplainable. I don't even know myself but one thing for sure is that I knew my baby isn't well!!! I knew it is a matter of emergency!!! How can I explain the long white cord between my legs. Something is wrong and my baby isn't feeling comfortable

I ran from my house to the clinic. The doctor saw me and then saw my state and shouted. How manage!!!! What happened!!! I became so scared. I know it is worse than I had expected. Then the doctors started a meeting immediately. 'Tell me what the problem is' I screamed. 'Will my baby survive???' They nod but I knew they were scared. I immediately took my phone and dialed my pastor's number. 'Please pray for me and my baby I cried. I don't want to die neither do I want to lose my baby. 'All will be well he reassured me'

The doctors came in and informed me that I will have to undergo an emergency cesarean section. I knew that would be it. They just have to save my baby. Yes, they have to, I assured myself and told them I am ok with anything to safe my baby. My sister came in at that moment and told me all will be well. My husband....I didn't see him when I closed my eyes. Yes, I closed my eyes and hoped for the best.

Opening my eyes, I tried to see what was happening, but I couldn't. 'Where am I'? I asked. Eventually when I opened again, I noticed I could see a roof. My husband was close to me, holding me so strong. Yes, I saw my sister also and then my mum. I struggled to smile. Where is my baby I asked. She is in the incubator they responded. Oh!!! Yes, where would she have been? It was merely 7 months, and she couldn't have been by my side I thought. I wish I could hold her; I tried standing but felt a sharp pain in my Tommy. Oh!!! I remembered I had just been cut. The pain around my body was so much that I couldn't move, so I slept again.

When I woke up the next time, I requested to see my baby, she was still in the incubator. Another woman who had just given birth had a bed beside me, whenever I hear the sound of her baby, I requested to see mine. I couldn't wait to see her adorable face. I had just been told a week ago that I was expecting a girl. I was so happy. I Danced with joy. Can I at least see her i asked my mother. Soon dear, she is sleeping and cannot be removed from the incubator. I sighed and slept again

When I woke up, an old woman came to my bed, held me and said, 'you will be fine, it is just the baby, thank God you are ok'. I didn't get it, so I ask, what do you mean. My younger sister quickly cut her short and spoke

'she is worried about your pain in your stomach'. 'Oh'! I responded but at that point, I knew something was wrong. My mum eyes were heavy. I could read it. 'Is my baby ok? I asked crying. 'Yes, she is. She is!' my younger sister insisted. Then let me see her I also insisted'. When I noticed I wouldn't be allowed to see her. I came up with a plan to know what had happen. I know my husband wouldn't keep anything from his father, so I requested for his phone to call a friend. He didn't think twice before he gave me, if he had, he would have known I was up to something. 

I took it from him and went straight to his father's message. There I saw it. Yes, I saw what I had been avoiding... What they have kept from me. The Truth!!!!! 'Daddy, we lost the baby he wrote'. What!!!! I shouted. My baby!!!!! My baby!!!!! I want my baby!!!! I can't lose her!!!! My baby!!!!!! My baby!!!!! No!!!!!!!! I want my baby! I tried to stand up but the sharp pain put me back to bed. I tried to cry out, but my body was so weak to allow me to express my pain. I could hardly lift my legs, my hands were swollen from the numerous drip I had received. Oh.....My baby!!!!!!!!!! I lost her!!!!

My Special One's birthday

It is 12 on d dot, another beautiful day to celebrate my love. The last time I posted on my blog about my Special One's birthday was three years ago. Wow!  Now it is four years of knowing my special One and nearly one year of being married to him.

My Prince Charming, the bone of my bone, dim (my husband), the experience of being married to you has been beautiful and its obvious it is forever going to be beautiful for me.

Dwelling with u is like living heaven on earth. I couldn't have made the perfect choice if it was not u. Now it is 2018, a year of celebration for both of us, we have so many things to rejoice about, I just can't wait to start counting them. 

Still on your birthday, as u add a year to ur age today, blessing and favour will forever dwell  with you. I love u so much my heartbeat. 

What an exciting year!!!!

Can't wait to share my 2017 experience with you all. 

LOVE....OUT OF MY PAST

It was my first time of seeing the cloud after five years. I tried smiling but it was in vain. Have I forgotten to smile, I asked myself as  I Iooked around me. There were five of us, two females and three males. We were surrounded by people who came to see if the news about the five who had escaped the ritualist abode was real. Everyone looked with sympathy, some in tears, other were constantly shaking their heads with folded hand. One of the sympathizers, an old woman, kept looking at me and crying. I wasn’t surprise. If I were in her shoes, I would have done likewise. My case was the worst among the five escapees.

I was still lost in my thought when I saw her..yes…her chin, her nose…and her eyes, it was so obvious that we were cut from the same cloth. I tried smiling again after seeing her, this time, I succeeded.  She was my mother.  She walked towards me, knelt down and reached my face with a trembling hand. She was in tears, it was obvious she has not slept for a long time. How long it is, only God knows. My father was also beside her. He held me and tried so hard not to cry when he saw my protuding tommy but was betrayed by tears.

MY TEMPLE...

It was the beginning of the month of April and I can still remember everything. Lectures were just so crazy that I hardly had time for a “me appointment”.  I visited the library always that month to make sure I did all my assignments and read for the exam that was fast approaching. Little did I know that in the midst of my busy schedule, something beautiful was coming my way. Reading was actually my way of trying not to think about my state of emotional instability. It became a therapy for me, a way of forgetting how hurt I was. How much I wanted peace within me. I added the bible in the evening as one of the books I read daily and that worked the magic. Even if I could not have a “me time” with myself, I had a time out with God every evening. During one of the times out with him, I specifically told him I wanted peace. I told him I wanted to start all over again spiritually and especially emotionally by walking according to his direction. Of course, he heard me because he was there, always there to listen. He strengthened me and gave me the courage to let go off my obsession. When he was sure I was ready, he brought you to me.

 

You are like a seed planted in my life to bless me and give me a hope to expect a pleasant fruit during the harvest season. You came into my life at first as: a friend that loves God; a friend I could talk to; a friend that listens; gives good advice and; made my day. Little did I know that the friendship was bound to grow within me. I was scared at first to face my feelings because I knew I had fallen in love. I fought it, pushed it away, tried to run away from you, but couldn’t do that for long. It was too late to do that, my heart told me. You have ravished my heart already with your calmness. You were already like a bed of spices, like a sweet pot of flowers. In short, you were altogether lovely that I could not refuse to give in to my feelings. If asked about my special day(s) in a year, apart from Oct 6, my birthday; I would surely mention August 5 when we started something new by deciding to relate in the same ship. Then of course, January 3^rd, your birthday!!!

My dove, my beloved and my undefiled, today is a special day for you. It is also special for me because you are now a part of my life. You are the calm that drains my rage, bliss upon my shores.

Happy birthday to my love, a sea around my heart: part shelter, part enduring word, part mirror of my art. When I say happy birthday, it means more than have a happy day. Within these words lie lots of things I never get to say. It means I love you first of all, then thanks for all you do. It means you mean a lot to me, and I’m proud of you. But most of all, I guess it means that I am thinking of you this very special day. I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU!!

KILLING ME SOFTLY..

KILLING ME SOFTLY

Dear Editor,

Every woman they say has a breaking point….for me, I wonder if there was. I could take anything…It was indeed a story never to forget…

It began last year when I met Bolaji at a bus-stop. We exchange number and gradually became close and more flirtatious. We used to talk every evening online for hours, text each other constantly and exchange pictures. I had never felt such a connection to someone. We never ran out of things to talk about and I quickly became attached to him. Month later, without explanation he became cold. I confronted him but he has no reason for his action.

Few weeks later we rebounded and became flirtatious again, but he said that he didn’t want to be anything but friends. I felt I was treated like a toy, picking me up and putting me down whenever he feels like. I was so desperate for things to work out. It became a true emotional roller-coaster. We agreed to be friends but I cried for the duration of this. I wanted more….

The silent treatment was what he used; feigned apathy, cold-shoulder, silence, distance, withdrawal of affection and ignoring me. That was the worst form of emotional abuse. It was indeed a punishment used by him to make me feel unimportant, not valued, not cared about and completely absent from his thought. I was banished without the benefit of a goodbye, a cancel of reconciliation. In short he psychologically murdered me for something I might have done;

Why in goodness name have I allowed myself to suffer through all his forms of abuse? This would be a question I will forever ask myself. For now it is a pass…I used to love him. My love eventually stop during the last episode..when exactly? I don’t know...I guess gradually. However the good news is my love is gone…the bad news is that he left me with a damaged self esteem

At the end, I knew it was time to let go, whether I want to or not. Choosing to let him go was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, but this made me a stronger person. If I am honest, I don’t know if I will ever forget him but truly I believe he was a fool for letting me go. I ended up accepting the rejection as nature ways of weeding out the misfits for me.

Truth be told...if I were to walk in on him today and find he has a new lady, I would not experience grief rather would pity the lady for occupying the same hurtful position I was in. I would feel so sorry and cry for her because she is about to be involved with a silent killer. This experience has spares me from wasting my time with someone who is all wrong for me and who would not appreciate me. It leaves me one person closer to finding my dream mate.

 

Sincerely…Unknown