IF YOU EVER LEAVE...

“Trust is the glue of life, the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” Segun thought as he roll over on his bed to find that he had slept alone on their matrimonial bed. Where could his wife be? He asks himself as he rose from the bed. Suddenly he remembered where she could be…no where else but with him. He knew she had always tiptoed to his room to keep his company, to make sure he’s warm and to sing him a lullaby. His mood changed and he felt so angry having to accept this always and having to have him as a constant rival felt even more painful.

‘Can’t you notice me? I am here too!’ This has always been what he had silently said to her. He only wishes she could hear him. He walked to his rival’s room; slightly open the door to peep. She was there, beside him. His little arms where wrapped around her. His arm were wrapped in such a way as if he’s saying ‘don’t go to him, this is where you belong’

   

Segun shifted his gaze to his face. His four years old son was sleeping, he felt like walking to him, waking him up and warning him to stay off his wife. He stopped halfway and returned to his room. He couldn’t stop the image of seeing his wife and son together. This task of balancing her role as a lover and the call to be a mother is a challenge he has been facing since the birth of their son, Emmanuel. So much has change the day Emmanuel had been born. Bimpe his wife had transform from a wife to a mother. They have transformed from a couple to a family and from lover, his wife had change to diaper changer as well as a nurse.

               

The time he enjoys with her had been shared with her new duties as being a mother. How can he ever tell her that he’s jealous of his son? As he was lost in his thought, she walked into the room, slept beside him and dozes off. He felt so lonely and his loneliness had become a source of contention.

He left the bed and walk to his reading room. The thought of his childhood came back to him. How his mother had been so focusedon him and had always left his father lonely. His childhood was filled with pain, the pain of hearing  and watching his parent rein abusive curses on each other, how his mother had always made it clear to his father that her still being married to him was because of her child (him). She had always threatened to leave and she did eventually. The thought of his childhood brought tears to his eyes. His mother had left him at a tender age of five to another…and he had lost his father two years later who died struggling with loneliness.

His father had raised him never to trust a woman before he died; this had made him hate the feminine gender and had even made him promise he would never be carried away with love. Even on his dead bed, his father had reminded him about trust.
‘Never Trust a Woman!” He had said with his last breath
 That has been the words he believe in his heart. For his grandmother dead wish, he’s sure he would have loved to remain single.

Now, he finds it so difficult to be assure by his wife that no matter what change she incurs as she evolves through life, his position in her life will not be threatened and this insecurity had caused him to be terrified of commitment.

However, his wife had always trusted him; believe he’s committed to her. Who but him knows the truth? Her closeness to their child has increased his doubt. What if she had been staying this long just because she had a son with him…as his mother had always told his father…What if she leaves when Emmanuel is a little year older?

For once, he had almost given his heart to his wife, but had stopped halfway, thinking, what if she crushes it and he ended up like his father.

‘No! I can’t and I won’t. Things would continue to be like this’ He told himself. Play your role as a wife and I give you my time, money and body….not my heart. He went back to their bed to sleep beside her. She rolled towards him; curled around him and he cuddled her into his arm. A woman he had married and given everything to….everything except his heart…………. having seen betrayal in his own mother and since he can’t trust his mother, what woman on earth can he ever trust?

Darling, Emmanuel would be five in 6 month time. Bimpe told him the next morning as she served him his food. ‘That’s great he replied with a smile filled with pain. Rather than being so glad about it, his heart trembles and flip. ‘5’ that was the same age his mother had left…She had promise to be there with him forever, but forever was lost when he was five as she left his father toranother man.

‘What’s the matter?’ Bimpe ask seeing her husband facial expression.

‘Am fine’ replies Segun as he tried so hard to wear a smile. Then Emmanuel walks into the living room to his mother arms who immediately carried him. He looked at her mother with adoration and said

‘Mummy, I want to do my homework’

Ok dear, let me serve your father his food first replied Bimpe

No! Mum, I want to do my homework now!

‘Don’t be stubborn’ she scolded him

Go ahead Segun replied as he watches his wife take their son to the reading table to help with his assignment.

He wonders what she has in stock for him. Yes she act so nice, but what if his wife had been staying all this while in the marriage because they had a son together?

What if she had ever thought of leaving him as his mother had done? The only way to free himself from his wife his present 'it' to her.

Yes! Present the divorce letter he had with him to make her freedom easy. He’s ready to free her at her will and make things easier for her. Rather than sit and wait for the day she would leave without warning. If only he could tell his son to be careful less he gets his heart broken…….if only.

He lost his appetite and decided taking a ride to ease himself of the pain of his childhood memories. He dashed out and drove off without telling his wife.

Two days later, Bimpe walked into the clinic where her husband had been hospitalized. It still felt like a misery to her as she could still remember the event of that day. She had served her husband his meal and left to help her son with his assignment, only to go back to the dinning room to realize her husband had left his food untouched and he was no where in the house.

She had wondered where her husband had gone to until she received a call that her husband had been hospitalized in a nearby hospital.

Now its two days after the accident and the doctor had inform her that her husband wouldn’t be able to walk again. That had really killed her inside. She had wept like a mad woman. His gaining consciousness is the most important thing as she pace up and down the room with a heavy heart and lips moving prayerfully.

He’s awake the doctor called as she ran to his side. His eyes were half open and he tried calling her name, but she pressed her finger gently on his lips and said

‘You will be okay dear’

Taking Segun home wasn’t as easy as Bimpe has thought. Segun felt so much pain all over his body and was damn so surprise about it. He couldn’t even move his body as it took three people to carry him from the wheel chair he was in to his bed. What had happen to him? He wondered. For three days his wife had fed him, bath him and even help him to bed.

Oh why? Segun cried silently one night.

Why had fate decide to treat him like this? The fear of being left alone comes everyday and he felt so scared. The doctor had told him to henceforth propone every love making with his wife. How could he have when he can’t even move his body? What if his wife gets tired of him or the fact that he can’t handle his responsibility as a man.? What if she walks out to another? All this are question that he’s scared to get an answer to.

At that point in his pensive mood, his wife entered the bedroom, knelt down beside his wheelchair and wipe off the tears in his eyes.

‘You’ll be fine sweetheart, we are in this together’. She squeezed his hand and informs him she was going to get some foodstuff in the market.

‘I will be back soon’. She said as she closed the door behind him’. 
She called later to inform him that she had left a note on the bed for him. He forced himself to wheel his chair sedately down to his room assuring himself that there was no possible reason to panic. But when he reached for the note on the bed, he picked it up  with shaking hands. It took quite an effort of will not to throw himself out of the wheelchair.
His heart was beating wildly as he read through
 Tears drip down his eyes as he read through the note.
Something so strong made him understand that she had left him for good!

Segun  decided to read through the letter  again, line by line and word for word.

                                               

                                   

Love is a funny thing Segun,

I expect it to be easy, to be a world of roses

and laughter and perfect moments that you find In movies.

I have always wanted to have a partner
 who I could give my whole self to,

  I wanted to share my life with someone,
     who I could give my mind body and soul to,
      and someone who would love me back in the same way.

It happened, one evening as I least expected it to,
            Segun, you came into my life, out of the blue, from thousands of miles away.
                    From the moment we spoke, I knew that You were the person ,
                      who I was meant to give my love to, for the rest of my life.

This promise I make to You today

 with every ounce of integrity that I have in Me.
                  I will love you, adore you, honor you, and be your best friend
                and partner till the last breath I take.
                I will trust you, nurture you and do all I can to make you content.
                  I will be there for you 'darling', despite the doctor's report till the end of time.
               I will always be yours to have and to hold.
             Till Death Do Us Part.
           TILL THE END OF TIME

     BIMPE.

Segun wipe his tears and realized that he had misinterpreted the note..the love letter his wife had wriiten. She came in at that moment and   kissed him on his cheek. I meant everything I wrote in that note Segun.
What have gotten over him? He wondered as he gave her a smile. Why had he allow the pain of the past to enslave him? He wish he could be free from his past. She unpacks her bag, brought out a pack of food she had bought and sat beside him to feed him. Segun watches her for a while and felt pity for her. Lack of trust in her had made him so unresponsive to her affection.

Segun couldn’t sleep as he heard some murmuring in the middle of the night, only to wake up and find his wife on her kneels praying. What could she be asking for at this hour?  He thought as he try listening to her prayer request.

‘Thank you Lord for saving my husband and keeping him healthy till this day. The doctor had said he wouldn’t be able to walk but that is the doctor's report. I know Lord that he would surely walk oneday and I believe it .Thank you…..’
   

For the second time, that day, his heart was filled with genuine love for her. He watches her as she curled back to the bed beside him, he tried reaching out to her only to stop halfway. This should have been a time for his wife to have deserted him, but no, she had stood by him and this has assured him that she would be there forever for the first time. She had even gone to the extend of sending their son to be with her mother for a while so she could focus all her attention on him.

No, every woman cannot be like his mother he thought. Comparing his wife to his mother, he realizes that his wife's love had been a shelter, a protection from the wind. She had open her arms and her heart to him, showed him that he’s safe. She had been as loving as a picture in the museum but the lack of trust had made her surrounded by glass that keeps him from touching her. Tears roll down his eyes as he felt pity for the way he had treated her in his heart. She woke at that moment to find her husband sobbing, wrapped him gently in her arms and slept only when she was sure he was asleep.

The next Sunday, Bimbo had insisted on taking him to her church. He had felt reluctant to go because of his paralzed state and had wondered why she wouldn’t feel ashamed. He sat on his wheelchair in the church, with a body twisted and face permanently contorted into a sneer. With a strong chin and a stipp upper lip, she introduces her husband to the pastor in front of some members.

“I had wanted him to join the church.” She spoke with pride.

His wife's pride in him despite his state of health surprises him. Who is this woman? He thoughtfully ask himself. A woman who never felt ashamed of having a crippled man as husband, a woman who never mind that he was a man who could not hold her, touch her or make love to her again. His wife never mind the daily task she had of taking care of him while no one took care of her.
At that point of thinking, his wife reached down to catch a steam of saliva that was extending from his lips like a single stand of spaghetti. She wiped him lovingly and stood back up to continue her request.

Segun at that moment couldn’t help but hate himself for having been self centered to this pretty woman who had stood by him all through. How wrong he has acted by closing his heart to his wife and how could he have nuture that belief that she would end up not being the loving mother his mother has not been. The only way to vindicate his mother deed was not to have denied his wife his heart, No… not to have hid his heart from her.

The past one month of having his wife take care of him had made him realize how strong she meant to him. He should have closed the door of his past with forgiveness. Bimpe had been attending his exercising class with him and in short, she had been the consistent partner always around, this has made him so happy and the envy of the class. His fellow friends in the class had mistaken his wife several time for a full time house-wife.

“No, my wife just took some month off work to take care of me, he had replied proudly.”

‘Lucky you some of his friends had said.’

Segun have now found in his wife what his mother had lack. He  realize he had to go back to the alter where their marriage vows was originally made and ask God for the grace to help him change his heart, his mind set about trust because trust is the root from which love is nourished. Yes! He now knows, when there is no trust, love has no place to be nourished.

The thought of asking God for help made him so happy because he knew he couldn’t do it on his own. A victim of the past he is, aborted from the comfort womb of love by distrust and plundered back to the abyss of bitterness from which he grew.

This is the right time to run to the church. Yes, his wife had gone to see their son who is with her parent. He could steal the moment to purge his heart to God and ask for help. Struggling in his wheel chair, he called his driver to take him to the church.

It took an hour to get to the church, Almost another hour for his driver to get him settled on the alter. Immediately after the driver had returned to the car, he rose magestically from the wheel chair. He gave a sigh of relief....Yes, he was not crippled....He had pretended to be paralysed....

Am so sorry God' He  cried as he falls down on his kneel.

Yes, he knew he could fool everyone but not God. He wasn't paralysed. He had encounter a minor accident that morning but had begged his friend, a doctor in the hospital to tell his wife he was not going to walk again. This was an opportunity he had decided giving her to walk away from him..

The strong present of God he felt on the alter made him cry out more as he purges his heart to God. 
He remembered the day of the accident; he was driving to his lawyer house to notify him of the divorce paper...

Yes, he had gotten a divorce paper ready since he couldn’t trust her to be with him forever. 

How wicked could he have been to have thought that his wife would ever need to divorce him?

I am so sorry God, he cried!!!!!!!!!

You know my past Lord! Please I am still a part of it, save me from it!!!

I am chained to my yesterday like an abused animal chained to the back of a porched. Help me! HE cried out as he buried his face in his hands.

“Help me forget those things that are behind and reach to those things that are before me.”

THE BITTER DISSAPIONTMENT OF MY PAST IS ROBBING ME OF MY TODAY”S EXPECTATION!

After his prayer, he felt so calmed. He was sure the calmness was an evidence that God had answered his prayer. He couldn’t wait to go back to the loving arms and breast of the woman that meant so much to him.

Ignoring the surprise look in his driver's face, he walked past him to his father's grave which was in the church  compound before going home. He stood beside the  12 years old grave and was silent for a while before speaking

“Dad, Hi, I know mum left you, I know she did disappointed you that was why you taught me never to trust again. But I want you to know that am tired of living in my past, a past that had almost rob me of my future. That mother did disappoint us doesn’t mean all women are the same. The only way to vindicate the betrayer of my mother and the death of your relationship is to give my children what I didn’t get in my childhood. Give them the comfort I never received and that is what I have planned to do henceforth.’

I love you dad, and I love my family too’. HE wiped the tears at the corner of his eyes as he walks back to his car

He was so anxious to see his wife when he got home. 
Darling! Darling! He called….A name he had not call  called his wife for a while. Where is she he thought as he was so eager to see the love of his life.

She was there, sitted on the bed, head buried in her hands sobbing. He walks towards her.

“What is it dearie, he asked”

‘What is it?’ She asked surprisingly as she raised her head to face her husband. She was so dumbfounded to find her husband on his feet.
'What? You can.....'she stammered
Yes I can dear. I always can walk..It's a long story sit and let me  tell you;
'Oh! Segun..so you mean you have been pretending all this while? Oh! no I cant believe this! She cried out.
'You have got to understand me dear' He replied gently.
You should have just said it that you are not interested in our marriage again. Now she understand why he had pretended to be paralyzed. 
 He had not love her all this while...she thought bitterly.
He had wanted a divorce and had faked being paralyzed to get her out of his life. A fool she had been to have waited all in the name of love. She threw the divorce letter at him.

He  picked the letter as he read through.

It was the divorce paper he had in his car on the day of the accident. How did she get it he wondered and instantly remembered that she had been called by the mechanic to come check the car that had been repaired. ‘Wow!’ He thought he would have loss the document in the event of the accident. He didn’t even know what to say as he looked at his wife dumbfounded

“I am sorry dearie, he ended up saying. This is a long story am short of words and I don’t know where to start’

Segun! I thought you love me, because I did love you, I gave you my all.  She wiped the tears running down her check as she stammered with words. Segun could see her hands shaking. She looked so helpless and he felt it…felt the strong love she had for him…It was so obvious that he was her Life…her everything. What a love he thought as tears ran down his check. He walked towards his love, to comfort her, make her realize it was a mistake, to cuddle her and if necessarily make love to her, but she walk far away from him. She walks to the wardrobe, took her things and before he could stop her, she walked away.....walked out of his life.

Segun had decided going back to his wheel chair. A deliberate state of being self paralyze. Of what extend is it to walk when the only thing that meant the world to him had walk out of his life? Everywhere seems so dry. He had been on the same position for the past three days. He now understand the true meaning of loneliness....the feeling when you lost your soulmate. He closes his eyes for a while and thought he heard  his son calling 
Daddy! Daddy! only to open his eyes and  his son  was beside him. Daddy are you okay. He couldn't but smile with joy. 
'I am fine dear' He said as he gave him a hug. 'How did you come here dear?'
'Mummy brought me . I have really missed you daddy'. 
Segun's heart skip as he heard that his wife was around. He tried standing on his feet but decided sitting.
Would she come to his room to see him? He thought only to lift his eyes and she was there, her pretty eyes searching his.
Mummy told me that you can walk now Daddy? That means we can still play basket ball again! Emmanuel said with joy.
'Go and meet aunty downstair, Bimpe told Emmanuel as she sat down
Mummy? 'Aren't we staying. I don't want to go back to grandma"s house. I have really miss daddy' Emma said as he dash out of the room.


Bimpe had been informed by their housemaid that Segun had refuse to say a word, walk or even eat anything since she had left.
'I thought you could walk Segun, why have you decided to continue your pretense?'
Yes I can dear, he stood up and walked towards her,  and continue. I chose to be self paralyse if you are not going to come back to me again.
Am sorry for the pain, the distrust and everything I have done, my past had really affected me and made me act like an heartless man.
I love you Bimpe...I do He continued.
Bimpe pressed her finger to his lips and said.' Say no more dear. While I was packing I mistakenly took your dairy and there I read everything I need to know'
'You did?' Segun was surprise.
Yes dear, and I realised how emotionally depressed you had been, But I am your wife, you should have talk to me about your fears, your worries and your past. I would never leave you. You are my life and everything and I had promise you  on the alter to be by your side forever'.
'Are you back to me for real?' Segun asked anxiously.
'I never left my dear, I just walked away angrily to ease the pain  I felt. If I had left what would have differentiated me from your past. We have a long life ahead of us dear, you have got to forget your past because I and your son are your future'.

Never ever allow your past to destroy your future Segun has learnt as he hugged the woman that meant the world to him...his wife. At that moment, Emmanuel ran in side to hug his father. He carried his son up and kissed him. Emmanuel his son would have a better childhood experience and it is up to him make that happen.